Thursday, February 26, 2009

Like a Guinea Pig

Ever feel like you are part of an experiment? I guess it takes a certain type of situation, but for the past year and a half I have felt like a doctor's guinea pig. And really not just one doctor, but many. Western medicine is so broken up with specialists in different fields and then I have my primary doctor who has been trying different things also. I have taken a bit of a break from writing because I was trying corticosteroids for a while and I wanted to take full advantage of the fact that I could walk and not hurt. So I exercised a lot. Well, a lot for me. But then the depression started setting in and it hadn't been that bad in many months. Then my boyfriend and I started having problems. Long story short- it's been a roller coaster of a ride over the past 3 weeks!

The good news is that an old high school friend hooked me up with a clinic that does acupuncture on a sliding scale and I've been wanting to try that for a long time. I've just never had the money. But every time a different doctor wants to put me on a different pharmaceutical, I cringe. I can't even begin to count the number of different prescription drugs I've tried over the past 18 months; a friend of mine recently said that I've been single-handedly keeping the drug companies in business! Luckily, through the hospital I go through, their pharmacy heavily discounts all of my prescriptions. Otherwise, I would have been out on the street a long time ago.

So I've had two visits to the acupuncturist and I'm very hopeful- pretty much because all my docs have tried everything they say they can. The only problem is that my acupuncturist wants me to cut out dairy and sugar. Hello??? Ice cream, is my favorite food group! So I guess I have to start cooking. Which I LOATHE. And I can't even tell you why- I've tried for years to like it and figure out why I hate it so much, but I just can't figure it out. Anyway, I'm sure it will be good for me. And I'm willing to try anything right now that doesn't have to do with a pill!

I feel really uncreative right now- like I'm blocked. I can't even pick up my sketchbook because I'm making all those excuses that I always do: I don't know what to draw/write about; I don't want to get out a bunch of supplies because I don't want to clean it up; I don't have the energy; what if someone makes fun of it; what if it's ugly? Excuse after excuse after excuse. I do it all the time. I wish there was a pill for that! But that would just be a quick fix. And I'm all about trying to get at the root of the problem. Today I overdid it; I walked a couple blocks to my hair appointment, went to an art store and stood for 20 minutes without my cane (oh my legs!), and then went to Wal-M@#$ (shit like cat food and litter is SO much cheaper there, I just can't help it!). And now, my whole body hurts and I'm extremely tired.

Excuses.

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