Monday, July 12, 2010


I think I ended my last post thinking about acceptance. I've always thought I was cool with change- that I could "roll with the punches" in life. The last 12 years of my life have been anything but traditional and I always thought I handled things as well as I could. But for the past three years, I've been waiting...

Waiting for my situation to change or improve. I've definitely felt "in limbo" before, but this is ridiculous. I mean, come on! I've been in extreme pain for most of the last few years of my life and I feel like no one is helping me! My greatest grief and suffering comes from knowing that my son is growing up 250 miles away from me and that I'm not there.

Sure, I see him during all of his school breaks and more than half of summer, but any mother knows, that's not how it's supposed to be. This is something I've been struggling with since the first time I admitted to my son's father and stepmom that I wasn't capable of taking care of him anymore. I couldn't work. The doctors were trying me on so many different medications- some made me cry unstoppably for days on end- some made it unsafe for me to drive- some made me so tired that all I could do was sleep. And none of it took my pain away.

When I gave up custody of my son, my heart seemed to go with him. When I decided it would be best for him to live with his dad and for me to move back to my hometown so my family could care for me, my soul was split in two. I don't think I could ever put into words that amount of guilt, shame, and sadness I feel over that decision. But I still feel that it is in my son's best interest to be with his dad at this point. Three years later I am still barely able to care for myself.

A woman could get pretty depressed and bogged down with feelings of shame about not being with their child, and boy have I. Not one day goes by that I don't think about my son and all of the things I am missing. Not one night goes by that I don't think about any possible solutions to this big, tangled problem- for the docs to figure out what is wrong with me so that I can move back to Indiananpolis and be a mother to my son. So many tears I have cried missing the life that I had.

Just lately I have started thinking about a paradigm shift. I have kept my cell phone number (which is my only phone) with an Indianapolis area code because, as I tell everybody, this was supposed to be a "temporary" move.

Supposed to. What does that mean anyway? I'm still here. So maybe I'm "supposed" to be here. I am of the tribe, "everything happens for a reason". So maybe this pain happened for a reason. I've thought about that one plenty, before. What possible reason would have me feeling extreme pain, laying in my bed (mostly) for three freakin' years? How could that possibly help the universe? I want to contribute love and compassion and kindness and art and lots of other stuff to this world. How could I do that from a bed? What use is the pain but to drive me crazy (literally- I went to the ER once because I wanted to end things, I was so miserable)?

But lately, I have been trying to get comfortable with the fact that since I am here, I am supposed to be here- if that makes any sense. I know I'm somewhat rambling at this point and I don't really care because I know that no one will read this. This is for me- to get my thougts out. Last time I posted, it released a firestorm of creativity for me. It removed a block. So I think I'll just stick with rambling here.

I decided to unpack some boxes and make it more "home-y". I found some things that have been hidden away for a while, like some art work, that I decided to put up. Maybe to remind me that I AM an artist and I can still accomplish. All I need is a little motivation. I also found a box of my son's old books and schoolwork. He was here when I found them and we had a great time looking through his old first grade journal. It had some real gems- we laughed at the spelling, and we reminisced about the times he wrote about (making snowmen in winter and throwing snowballs at each other)!

There is so much inside of me that needs to talk about how I feel about living here versus living in Indy. I think this is as good a place as any. Another thing I need to work on is always thinking about/referring to my "old life" in Indy, as if my life now is seperate somehow. I'm beginning to see that it is not. It is the same life. I need to accept more things, and I am working on that.

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