Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Can't Sleep

I took a sleep aid almost 5 hours ago.  Yet... here I am.  I've been in a lot of pain lately and don't like talking about it to anyone in my life.  There just isn't any point.  I don't mean to be so negative, but this is my outlet for it, and I really just need to vent. 

Sometimes when the pain is really bad and nothing seems to help (i.e. yoga, a walk, painkillers) I resort to a sleep aid.  Actually, it's more often than not that I use them.  I'm just so tired of being in pain; I'm sure anyone with a chronic pain disease can relate. 

But the biggest frustration at this point has to be the not knowing.  Not knowing what is causing my pain is really getting to me.  It's been getting to me though, ever since this started 3 years ago.  It makes me question my sanity at times.  It makes NO SENSE whatsoever that I am in this much pain with no explanation.  Sure, the orthopaedic surgeon found some stuff with my hips, but that doesn't explain the rest of my joints.  None of the doctors at Barnes have seen anything like this- and I've seen a total of 4 internal medicine docs, 3 rheumatologists, 4 psychiatrists, 2 eye doctors, and one neurologist.

Barnes was just ranked #8 out of like 600 hospitals in the country.  That's Top Ten.  So when you are told that there is no evidence to suggest that your pain is real, it can really get a girl down.  Yes, this hip stuff may lead somewhere, but who knows?  My faith in doctors has severely diminished.  Example: one eye doc told me I definitely had Sjogren's- an autoimmune disease.  Another eye doctor that I saw within 2 months of the other one didn't even mention the possibility of it- and said my eyes were perfectly healthy!  Plus I was recently told that I definitely don't have ANY sort of autoimmune disease.  So...wtf?

Okay, I'm going to attempt sleep again because I have a lot I need to get done tomorrow.   Ugh.  Just want the pain to go AWAY.

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