Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Time Flies...

Well, sometimes it does. Really, I just got back into the world of blogging with another blog I created for a business that my sister and I started. It's been more than a year and a half since my last post at this one and there are several reasons behind that. One being that my ex-boyfriend kept ruining my computers. I'll leave it at that. Since he became an ex, I have gotten disability due to my chronic pain issue and with part of my lump sum, I bought myself a laptop. THIS, he can't ruin. Plus he's out of my life for good now.

So, a year and a half later, have the docs figured out what the hell is wrong with me? Nope. I read through my old posts and saw that I was just starting acupuncture and was really hopeful. While I believe it helped on some levels, it sadly did not releive the pain (at least not significantly). But it sure wasn't for lack of tryin! My acupuncturist has a special place in heaven- he saw me for a good 9 months, twice a week, for little to no charge. He also hooked me up with his wife who is a Yoga teacher. These two couldn't be kinder; they gave freely of their services to genuinely try to help me. I gave them a painting I had finished last winter, but that pales in comparison to the goodwill I felt from the two of them.

It was through these services that they helped me see that my right hip was out of alignment (she teaches Anusara Yoga, which focuses on alignment) and I realized that was the joint that had been in the most pain since day one of this whole ordeal. I finally convinced my Rheumatologist to take an x-ray before he finished his residency (he has been, by far, the nicest doc I've seen over the past 3 years). Whaddya' know? There's some serious crap goin on with not only my right hip, but my left one as well!

First of all, apparently I have abnormally deep hip sockets (called "coxa profunda"). I also have significant arthritis and bone spurs that have formed. No wonder it hurts whenever I walk, sit, or basically do anything that isn't lying flat on my back. Hmmmmm... haven't I been complaining of that for 3 years? Sorry, I may be a bit bitter here. It's just that I feel like I've lost so much of my life to my bed- and in the years that I'm supposed to be thriving.

That is part of the reason I am taking up this particular blog again; while perusing others' blogs, I am inspired to contribute craftwise, but it has been so frustrating when I don't have the energy or am in just too much pain to type. I need another outlet and I remembered this blog.

Part of what draws me to this one is that no one follows it and maybe no one even knows it is here. At this point I am hiding it from my other blog (we have 8 followers over there) because I'm not sure I want people to know too much about my physical condition. Even the best-meaning people judge. I really just need to be able to write about the inner workings of me without wondering what people will think.

Why not just journal, then? Good question. I am well aware that blogs are public, maybe I'm okay with strangers seeing this. Maybe it's because I'm not trying to sell anything here (which reminds me- I need to take off the well-intentioned Google Ads I put on when I started this). Maybe it's because for some reason, typing comes easier to me than writing these days- I have such a love/hate relationship with my journal right now (I feel SOOOO blocked!) Maybe I hope that I will eventually find someone (or someone will find me) that understands part of what I am going through.

Okay, this is getting to be too long for even my own liking. If anyone is out there reading this, Hello. And welcome to my journey. I DO intend on growing from this experience, I just don't know how yet. One word I am working on lately is ACCEPTANCE.


  1. Welcome back! I had a nasty highway accident a few years ago that left its mark. I am significantly better now with hoards of physical therapy, increased exercise (even though it hurt like a @*#(&U*@# to get started), medicine and lots of tears. I couldn't do anything without help for a long time and I remember vividly how uncomfortable that was for an independent, energetic, stubborn gal like myself! Some days are still hard and my body doesn't do what I'd like it too. Sometimes I feel if we are separate entities battling each other. Some days are okay. Overall, it's better. Hang in there. Keep writing and never, ever, give up. I learned through that experience what you have, that you have to be your own advocate and sometimes that means trusting your gut and pushing the doc. Even good docs have days where they don't listen like they could. Stretch, stretch, water, water, gentle exercise and good shoes :) Hugs, Holly

  2. Thank you for your sweet words, Holly; it means a lot coming from someone that can relate. There are definitely times I have felt like giving up, but I'm learning to trust what I know. And that is my truth:)