Thursday, September 16, 2010

Dear Sisters...

Hey guys. I just want you to know that in no way are either of you to blame for my foul mood. I haven't wanted to talk about it because it is nothing new. Occasionally I go through periods where I'm just so tired of being in pain, and there is nothing anyone can do about that.

Since mom's diagnosis in January and also since Ben and I's split, I've really tried to "fake it 'til you make it". With mom having cancer, it seems trivial that I should complain about anything- especially something that has no known origin. And since splitting from Ben, I haven't wanted to be a cane-using disabled person- at least I haven't wanted to be perceived as such.

I fear that all that walking I did back in the Spring may have worsened my hip situation as I have to hold my leg in place when changing positions in bed now, not to mention I'm having more problems with my left hip, too.

I know we all hurt, so I haven't wanted to talk about it. It's just that I'm tired of pretending I'm fine. I'm tired of not being able to sleep because my insides are burning and tingling. I'm tired of having to put on a happy face when I don't feel happy. I'm tired of the medical system and my doctors and the pharmacy and trying to navigate things all by myself. I'm tired of being Quentin's mom from 250 miles away and having to explain that to people and pretend it's all fine. But it's not anyone's problem but my own.

Maybe my birthday coming just sort of pulled things all together for me and I realized I'm not getting any younger or any closer to a reason that my joints are deteriorating. During lunch with mom today, we decided that I would go to her general practitioner for some advice on how to proceed from here. Although I am having my hip replaced and have seen evidence of it needing repair, we still don't know why or how it got that way. I need answers and I'm tired of not having any.

I think about my situation EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I think about it for hours on end because I can't sleep due to the pain. I cry about it. I cry because it hurts and because I feel so helpless. As you both well know, being in pain is tiresome. It puts you in a foul mood and it is hard to concentrate on much else when your joints are searing. I apologize if I have been offputting or offensive.

I am just tired.

I love you guys; again, this is nothing new, and I don't see the point in talking about it, I am sorry. Just thought I would explain so that you don't think it is you.


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