Monday, October 4, 2010

Terrified

I don't know why I'm so terrified to write anything down here.  I know that no one visits this site because I haven't told anyone about it.  Who would want to read about this shit anyway?  I feel like all I do is complain and that's not uplifting or upbeat or encouraging.  I don't know why I feel like it would have to be; maybe I'm just scared of how I am perceived.  But I have to have an outlet for the thoughts that go through my head 95% of the time.  And maybe, maybe I have some hope of finding some sort of support on here.  Sometimes I feel so alone.

I seem to block myself from things that would be therapeutic.  Especially lately.  Like this- almost every night I feel like I could benefit from writing here and telling more of my story.  But I just don't.  I surf other people's blogs and secretly wish that I could be as honest and authentic here in my space of the Internet.  And I also think often about opening up my journal and writing- pen to paper, the old-fashioned way.  But something always seems to stop me.

The first thing I do when I wake up is turn on the TV and open my laptop.  I know I need quiet time.  But sometimes I just can't stand the silence.  And sometimes I can't stand the noise.  But the most terrifying times come during sleep, lately.  When I have no control and my subconscious takes over. 

Lately, my dreams have been so awful that last Tuesday I decided, upon waking, that I just wouldn't let myself fall asleep that night.  And I didn't- I kept myself awake with TV and Internet.  Every time I would get sleepy, I would think of the awful dreams I had the night before and that would keep me vigil.

Again, tonight, it seems that is what I've planned to do again.  I have 2 appointments tomorrow (I'm having surgery in a week- total hip replacement) and my nightmares wreaked such havoc on me last night that I just don't want to re-live that again.  It's ironic- most people seek sleep to find rest and at certain times in my life, it causes me so much emotional turmoil.

A lot of these nightmares have re-curring themes.  I usually think I am pretty good at analyzing dreams; I've studied psychology and Jung and have kept dream journals in the past but the dreams I'm having lately, I don't even want to write down.  Sometimes I'm not sure if my dream is really a flashback or not- especially when I dream the same thing over and over. 

Heh, I wasn't even going to write about my dreams in this post; I wanted to write about how I'm feeling about my upcoming surgery and my situation in general.  It's funny how the un/sub-conscious works, isn't it?