Thursday, November 4, 2010

Total Hip Replacement


I had a total hip replacement about 3 1/2 weeks ago and am still recovering.  I think about this blog often, but for some reason, always feel this intense fear about sharing my innermost feelings.  But that's what this blog is for- I am an artist, and I feel broken down, and I need somewhere to vent!  I'm tired of feeling broken down.  Though I had my hip replaced due to advanced osteoarthritis, the doctors still can't figure out why my hips are so bad at the age of 33.  Also, there is no explanation yet for the pain in the other joints.

This infuriates me.  I also think that my family is pinning a lot of hope that this hip surgery will fix the other problems.  I suppose that I was hoping that too, but I know my body.  I know that all my other joints are now worse for wear since the surgery, perhaps due to overcompensation in order to heal my right leg. 

I also feel all sorts of pressure to produce on my other blog that I have with my little sister and that if I choose to write, it should be on that one.  She makes things- like handbags, totes, cosmetic bags, wallets- all sorts of really cute things.  We both "re-learned" how to use a sewing machine back in April from my mom and sewed all night that first night.  Well, Hannah really took to it and started creating some pretty amazing things.  We even got into a local boutique and opened an Etsy shop.  But I ended up paying for that night of sewing with having to stay in bed for a week due to the pain.

I haven't seen my sister so happy in a long time, so I really want to support her.  She was having trouble with the "business" end of it, so I thought I'd help her out by starting a blog, networking, running the Etsy shop, etc.  Some years back, we were thinking about doing some sort of creative collaboration with her photography and my paintings, but there was some 250 miles between us then.  A few years later, I started having severe joint pain and needed to move back to St. Louis.

While I love FlyChicks, it's not my heart and soul.  Painting and drawing and creating is what my soul yearns to do- and my body severely restricts it at this point.  It's been three long years that I've been resigned to mostly my bed and my fingers can only last so long holding a paintbrush or typing on a keyboard.  I'm so tired of watching life pass me by.  These are supposed to be my good years.  And I can't even be with my son.

Sure, I visit him and he comes here to visit, but it is not the same as being there, every day, for him.  I have such guilt over my situation even though I know there is no alternative right now.  But I keep coming back to the fact that this was supposed to be temporary.  I've got boxes I haven't even unpacked just stacked up in a corner of my apartment.  Boxes of old teaching supplies, Quent's papers, books, things that I want to see and use again at some point.  But I still feel as though I'm in limbo.

I keep coming back to this blog, though, because I really do want to have a creative outlet that is all my own.  Hannah gets to create over at FlyChicks and she can share her passions with the world through her creations.  I just want/need to do the same.  And I want to be able to document and share my journey with other like-minded souls like Lisa and Connie, whom I've come to really adore and admire.  And I think this is the place to do it.

Sure, crafty things are fun and quick and I enjoy doing them, but creating art from the soul is what I feel destined to do.  Now... if only I can find a way to make my body stop hurting long enough.

6 comments:

  1. Oh dear Emily, I don't know what to say! There is such beauty and pain in this post...I wanted to let you know I'd been here, yet this post has sat open over night and I still don't know what to write.

    I encourage you to use all of the resources you can to keep pursuing that creative call that sparks your spirit and gives you energy beyond, (and within) your body. I will email you more, but for now...please know that you inspire me.

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  2. p.s. I'm trying to follow your blog but am getting an error message. I see me over there now...hopefully it works!

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  3. Lisa, thank you! I'm honored that you are the first follower of this blog:) And thank you for taking the time to read through my whiny, complainy pain.

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  4. Emily, it's not coming across as whiny or complainy. More like brave and honest. I remember the bad days, when I was sorting through my food allergies, and didn't have the energy to get out of bed. What you're experiencing is probably ten times that, and you are still seeking out answers, community, and relief. Embrace your creativity and whatever makes YOU feel better :)

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  5. Thank you; it's good to know that a supportive community is out there!

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