Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Reflect and Manifest

So I decided to do this thing called "Reverb 10" (the button is on my sidebar); it's basically 31 days of written prompts in the month of December to reflect on this past year and manifest what I want for 2011.  Ever since I quit working full time due to the pain, I've lost a lot of focus and have felt like so much of my time has been spent in limbo.  I felt I needed something that would help me feel like I was part of the world again.  And I decided that this blog was a great place to do just that and chronicle my journey out of shame, guilt, and limbo about my present situation.

Dec. 1st Prompt:
One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
Prompt Author: Gwen Bell

I'm choosing renewal because I'm finally getting to the point in my illness where I am accepting that this may just be part of my life forever.  I've gone through so many of the stages of grief- back and forth and back again.  I am in the process of learning how to go with the flow (I always thought I was good at that) and work with what I got.  I guess I just never expected to be so blindsided like this. 

I'm also choosing this because in January of 2010, my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer and she is one of the healthiest women I know- doesn't smoke, always exercises, and eats right.  The prognosis isn't great, considering this type of cancer is one of the deadliest and it has already metastasized.  But after 6 rounds of chemo, and her positive attitude, the golf ball sized tumor in her lung has shrunk 75% and the other cancer cells that spread don't even show up on the scans anymore.

I've mentioned before that my mom is a great hero of mine.  If she can continue to live her life regardless of any prognosis, prediction, or statistic, then I know that I can learn to live with whatever it is that I have.  The first two years of my illness, I was extremely depressed and hopeless much of the time.  I kept on waiting to get better so that I could continue living my life.  I wasted two years waiting.  I suppose wasted isn't the right word; I wouldn't be at the point I'm at today if it weren't for the hard times.  But I'm ready to stop waiting and just start- anywhere.  With this blog and the other blog a run with my little sis, I'm ready. 

After watching my mom fight this disease, I feel a renewal in myself.  A duty to go on and enjoy life, regardless of the circumstances.  I feel like I've lost so much time to waiting.  I'm done waiting and am ready for a continuation of this renewed sense of self that I feel.
I suppose the word I would like to have one year from today, in 2011, is "Thriving".

this post a part of Reverb10: Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. Use the end of your year as an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead.

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