Thursday, January 6, 2011

Internal Examination

One of the things I mentioned in my 11 Things post was shame.  This is something I would like not to carry in to 2011.  I'm not real big on resolutions (setting the bar so high that it's inevitable you'll fail- nope, not for me, thanks) and that is one of the reasons I participated in Reverb10.  I wanted to reflect on the last year of my life because I feel like I'm ready to move on from the limbo I had kept myself in with my illness.

I realized that no matter what external situation I was in, I had a choice.  That choice laid quietly in my heart, mind, and soul just waiting for some reflection.  And I finally chose to move out of grief and into the great unknown.

originally uploaded by  Hans Pama

I feel like Reverb broke me open and allowed a safe space for me to open up along my path of reflection; the people who came around here have meant more to me than they probably know. The support that comes with community is amazing if you let it in.

Shame is something I've likely carried around most of my life, though I couldn't exactly tell you why.  But taking it out of its dark and gloomy box, shining some light on it, and examining it last month made me feel almost foreign without it.  It has become such a part of me over the years and now that I've decided to throw that box away, I'm intrigued to examine why it's been around for so long.

I've got some ideas, but I also need to guard how safe I feel sharing certain things online.  There are parts of me that would send some of you into a shock-induced state of stupor.  But there are also parts that would have you lauding my courage.  Isn't all of this what makes us human?

As I continue reflecting (I don't think it should end just because some made up calendar year is over), I hope to examine all different aspects of myself and celebrate each one, for all of those things make me who I am today.  And I'm starting to like myself more and more.


  1. I know exectly what you mean, Emily. Good for you for writing about it and opening up. I carry a lot of guilt around, similar to shame. I don't know why - but if you are like me you carry a lot of weight on your shoulders and it's hard to stop after a lifetime! I applaud you and support you every step of the way. Smiles, S

  2. Smiling big from my own broken-open heart.

  3. S, I know you know;) Thanks for your encouragement.

    LAB, smiles right back atcha', you warrior!

  4. Oh shame. Stinky soul sucker. He's been knocking at my door lately. I think mine is connected to being an overachiever and feeling like an underachiever. I don't have the energy to tell him to go away today. I really admire that you've been inviting him in and offering him tea. Eventually, hopefully sooner than later, he will realize that you smell too good for him. :)

  5. CS- Yes, being an overachiever and feeling like an underachiever. Or... feeling like I should be more of an overachiever- or is that the same thing? Who knows! Hopefully, shame will quit knockin' at my door and get the point soon;)

  6. continued inspiration at every turn. and girl, i'm with you on not making "resolutions." there's no sense in setting ourselves up for failure. life is about experience and growth through such experience. keep on keeping on lady, love what i'm reading!

  7. Muted, your compliments are so sweet and mean more than you know. Thank you for reading;)