Sunday, January 9, 2011

Riding the Line

originally uploaded by hashmil

Far too often, I hold inquiry with myself about why I am the way I am. Or why other people behave, think, and feel the way they do.  I've always been fascinated with psychology and neuroscience, and think that if I hadn't gone the "creative" route, this may have been (or still may be) the path I was destined for.  But I think I might be a tad overanalytical for such a task.  I find myself riding the lines between certain concepts and have no idea how to step back and look from afar.

originally uploaded by Horia Varlan

For instance, I often find myself in parenting conundrums where I can't decide if I'm being fair and completely reasonable, or too hard on the kid.  I've spent countless hours of my life wavering between wanting to go back into his room tell him I understand, give him a hug, and wipe away the tears or tell him to just deal with the punishment I've doled out.

originally uploaded by Dominic's pics

Most of the time, I've been sans partner in this whole parenting escapade, and when I did happen to have a significant other, they never really stepped up to the plate in helping me navigate some often stormy situations.  I just now realized that after my marriage ended, I never dated a guy with children, so I couldn't really expect those men to understand what I was going through.

originally uploaded by *CQ*

There are countless other examples of how I feel like I just don't know which way to lean:
- Was I being paranoid all those times I intuitively felt that my ex was about to ruin yet another computer from porn?  Or was I justified in my worry? 
- Am I a hard friend to hold on to because I tend to hermit?  Or do my friends just all have their own, busy lives that they are leading and have little time to spend with me?
- Do I expect too much from my family?  Or not enough?
- Am I poor?  Because though I've had to use food banks before, some people in this world would consider a one-bedroom apartment with heating, cooling, and running water luxuriously wealthy.
- Am I being unfair to my dad because I refuse to talk politics with him?  Or am I just enforcing a boundary to keep my mental health safe?
- Is my pain really that bad today?  Or could I manage a small painting?

originally uploaded by kudumomo

I suppose this is part of what makes life interesting and challenging.  But sometimes I just feel so alone in trying to figure it all out.  I like having people to bounce ideas off of and to get their takes on certain situations.  But then, I get all neurotic and start thinking about why they feel that particular way.  What was it, in their lives, that made them respond in that manner?

originally uploaded by net_efekts

I really find it all very fascinating, but like I said before, I start overanalyzing and don't know where to stop.  And as far as parenting goes, I've gone both ways with my son; I've retracted punishments in favor of a more reasonable approach, and I've also stood my ground on certain matters.  I'm sure that's not good parenting, but I do the best I can do.

Does anyone else ever grapple with riding the line between what you think is appropriate and right?  And how does intuition fit in?  Can you favor intuition too much to the point that it becomes somewhat paranoid?


  1. The fact that you consider both sides of things makes you incredibly sane. Life is all about perspective right? And you can see many. The beauty of being creative. And you are not alone!

  2. I think I have asked myself all of those questions, or very similar ones, many, many times. I don't think it makes you paranoid, I think it makes you human.

  3. Thanks, ladies;) You guys make me feel better.

  4. I couldn't relate to you more, Emily. I over-analyze everything. Sometimes I wonder if I am paranoid! The parenthood one is especially difficult and you are definitely not alone there.

  5. S- thanks for realting; I'm so glad I've got a friend in you as someone who understands what it's like to be a parent, and over thinking things, especially after a divorce.

  6. Oops! Try again...found you through creatively sensitive. Love your blog-am following you now ;0)

  7. Jodi, thanks for following! Just visited your blog- amazing photography!