Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Naiveté and Some Changes (aka A Long, Open, Rambling Letter to "J")

I always thought I was being smart by not putting personal information on the web. No address, phone number, or birthday. Those were the important things, right? The type of stuff that could get you into trouble if it got into the wrong hands.


But I didn’t realize that putting my emotions out there would ever give me this much cause for worry. But that’s exactly what it’s done- and I’ve decided to make some changes.

I’ve mentioned before that on the inside, I’ve got a very soft, vulnerable, and trusting heart, and I’ve expressed some of my innermost feelings, frustrations, and fears on this blog. In person, I am a bit more guarded about sharing such things.

A recent event (meeting a super-hot, smart, funny guy) has gotten me thinking that my full name need not be connected to this blog. When I started this blog a little over two years ago, I was in a relationship that I naively thought would last forever. I’m glad it is over (and it‘s been over for more than a year); we’ve both moved on and it is for the best. But this blog, like me, has evolved over time.

I eventually decided to take this blog from “private” to “public” and for some reason, was not afraid to have my name connected to it. I thought nothing of it. This is who I am. This is where I am in my life. I wanted no shame. I wanted to put it all out there.

Then… I met “J“. And I soon realized that with any amount of “googling”, he could find my blog. I wanted so badly to not feel embarrassed, but then I got panicky. All my shit was out there. My heart, my feelings, my soul. Way more than what I wanted to share with him at one time. Information was out there connected to my name and it was scarier than if it had just been my phone number, address, or birthday.

There are things that would have eventually come up during our getting to know each other, but that’s considering we’d even go on a first date. I wanted to tell him about my son; I wanted to tell him about some of my struggles; I wanted to tell him about some of my triumphs. I wanted to talk about my art, and his dissertation. But I’m afraid I won’t get the chance now.

And that sucks. Because he’s the first guy that made my heart race like that in a long time. And I’m sure he won’t be the last. But I’ve decided to take my last name off this blog and not have it connected to the other blog I share with my sister. I’d like to be a little more anonymous so that when I do meet another guy, all my cards won’t be on the table before we even have our first date.

I’m not a complete moron; I knew this info was out on the web, I just never thought about it in terms of dating. Never.

Oh well. Lesson learned, right? I’m great at learning things the hard way- unfortunately, that’s often the way I learn. I know I’ve got photos of myself on here, too. Not sure what to do with those yet- they are all connected to parts of my story. I’m not ashamed of who I am. But I am going to try to be more conscious of what I put out there and how it is all connected.

Please be patient with me as this site goes through some changes. And thank you to all those who have offered (and continue to offer) support to me throughout my journey- sincerely, Thank You.

2 comments:

  1. Interesting that you are tightening your boundaries as I am loosening mine. You do know that you will meet someone who will learn everything about you and see so clearly how amazing you are yes? Heck, my wish for you is for you to meet someone and have them find your blog and read every little detail of it and get even more excited about getting to know you!

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  2. I hope you do whatever you are comfortable with. You have a lot to give and I wish nothing but the best for you.
    xo, Shannon

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